The truth is, sometimes I wish I didn’t carry a burden to see resting places of God’s presence among worshiping and praying communities. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t grieved when His presence takes the backseat to organizational activities, man-centered ministry and religious busyness. When you carry Psalm 132 in your heart, there is always an uneasiness and discontentment. Even if it seems like many external things are going well, if there’s no glory of God resting in your community, you just can’t get settled. It’s like an ache in your gut that says…. THERE’S MORE.
Remember, O Lord, in David’s favor, all the hardships he endured, how he swore to the Lord and vowed to the Mighty One of Jacob, “I will not enter my house or get into my bed, I will not give sleep to my eyes or slumber to my eyelids, until I find a place for the Lord, a dwelling place for the Mighty One of Jacob.”
Psalm 132:1-5
Crowds, giftings, provision, favor, relationships… Good things, but it doesn’t satisfy. Is God’s manifest presence here? Is anyone tending to Him right now? Does He have a place to rest? Is He being ministered to day & night, as He is worthy of? Are we living in palaces while He lives in a tent? Is anyone praising Him? Is a watchman on the wall right now? Is there an intercessor in the gap? It’s not enough to have powerful moments with God and go on with our lives. God deserves a people who host Him with their adoration, affection and attention.
And honestly I wish I didn’t feel it sometimes. It breaks my heart sometimes. It distracts me from being “in the moment” with people sometimes because I’m rumbling inside. I sometimes feel like I want to cry while everyone around me is happy. Don’t we know there’s more? Have we read the Bible stories? Have we read revival history? Not that I’m there, but I am hungry for it. But it can be awkward. Many people don’t understand. It can be hard to relate.
It’s especially hard when you don’t feel released to give your leadership to pursue and build it. David wanted to build but God said no (see I Samuel 17). I’ve been in one of those seasons. Carrying things in prayer. Waiting. Aching. Longing. Trying to be patient. It’s not easy.
But it’s also so precious. What an honor to carry God’s heart in this way and be in partnership with Him as an intercessor. It’s so intimate. And what’s the alternative? Numbness? It would honestly be relieving in some ways, on some days, to just be content with less, but it’s too late. I’ve tasted enough to be ruined for anything other than “The Lord Is There.” (Ezekiel 48:35)